Affect vs effect

I try to keep my post few and far between because I don’t want cancer to affect you guys as much as it affects me. Plus no one wants to read about my medical crap weekly. I don’t want to read about it either. 

I had scans the last 3 days, things looked pretty much the same. Will get the CT report on Monday. All good things. Have liver pain daily but hoping it’s just from regrowth and scar tissue.  Officially have IBS which is flusharific. The injections are continuing to work great and I’m down to a few episodes a month. Positive city. 

What I want with this post is to give you guys a glimpse into the emotional personal affects of my cancer…………

Ready?

Deep breath

The 3 day scans are the ones that I have to get a radiation injection for.  I am not to make physical human contact for any extended period of time for a week due to the effects of radiation.

My husband has to sleep on the couch.

Which may seem like no big deal to you but to us right now it’s devastating.  We have both been fighting with everything we have over the last month to save our marriage. Him sleeping on the couch is for his safety yet it’s like throwing a rock at the glass house of our marriage. (Cue the anger.)

My 4 year old doesn’t understand why he can hug and kiss me 3.2million times a day. Or use me as a jungle gym. Or stand directly next to me just to be touching me while he’s playing. 

For him, me saying “You can’t hug mommy a bunch for a few days” just crushes his little spirit. He started crying because he thought it meant he could never hug or kiss me again. (Cue mommy tears.)

My 5 year old is having a hard time not climbing into my bed in the middle of the night. 

Last night he was up at 2:30am, headed to my room, remembered he couldn’t get in my bed; so he woke me up very upset. He agreed to a good daddy cuddle on the couch while watching Disney channel. Izzy never went back to sleep. Tonight he has scooted over to cuddle with me on the couch multiple times only to be denyed the cuddle and asked to move back to his side of the couch. “Sorry Mom.” No little boy should feel the need to  appologize to his mommy for wanting to cuddle with her and not being able too. We ended up setting a timer for a 4minute cuddle session. 4 minutes is not long enough to cuddle up with your little boy who will one day decide that cuddles are for babies. (Cue the heartbreak.)

Cancer causes me to miss some of these little things that they will soon out grow. I try to be strong and remind myself of all the cuddles and hugs I have been blessed to have. And I tell myself that my marriage is stronger then I think and that its stability will only be shakened and not broken for a few days. When cancer tries to pull me in the pit of depression and anger I just turn to God and go through all of the blessings he has given me and will continue to let me enjoy each day that I draw breath.

But honestly, it’s freakin hard to make your mind go to God when all you want to do is cuddle with your kids while watching a movie and fight with your husband over who gets the middle of the bed. Cancer continues to shake my marriage, rock my kids and strain my faith.  

I just want you guys to know, I am human. I struggle. I am only so strong. And I completely agree with the F*** Cancer movement. 

I selfishly want my cuddles every time they are offered damn it!! (Cue my frustration.)

(End Scene)

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